Loneliness

For a long time, I felt alone. Clouded by the shadows of loneliness, I couldn't see, nor appreciate, the support I had around me. The black fog that shrouded my mind felt like a suffocating mist that was inescapable. But I did. I escaped it. If you're reading this and the feeling I describe resonates with you, just know that you can escape it as well. 

I left uni feeling triumphant. I had lived with bad housemates for 2 years straight (although I was also living with my best friend which was my only saviour) so the feeling of being free from University and back to living at the home I had pined for was meant to be liberating. I was meant to feel free. 

I didn't. 

Gone were the days of living with a city on my doorstep, a best friend down the hall and a week filled with purpose. Instead, my independent life had been replaced with that of the 18-year-old I had left behind. I had been living at home in my holiday's from uni but it was always just a holiday, I knew I was going back to uni in a matter of weeks and despite usually feeling upset to go back, I was always truly at home when I was in Canterbury. But I'm only just coming to terms with that now. 

When you're surrounded by friends and peers almost every day for about 3 years you begin to take the normal world for granted. Living back at home was more of a reality check than I had anticipated, I suddenly realised that all my friends back at home who didn't leave for uni had fully formed lives. They had jobs, career's even! They had groups of friends that didn't include me, social lives that didn't include me and I found myself in a place that was always home, but I no longer fit in it. 

Obviously, my friends are still my friends and I don't begrudge them having their own lives and other friends and I certainly didn't expect them to drop everything and spend all their free time with me, but for some reason my brain had imagined a rose-tinted world after leaving uni and real life isn't rose tinted. I had to make do with feeling like an imposter, trying to force my way back into the few friendships I had managed to hold on to throughout University. I felt as if no one wanted me around and that I was a burden to everyone.

I hit rock bottom. I woke up one day and felt like the world would be the same, if not happier, without me. That was when I realised the hole I had got myself into. 

I had two options at that point. I could let the thoughts spiral out of my control, or I could register what I was feeling and do something about it. I was strong enough to choose the latter. 

I picked myself up and did something about it. I reconnected with my friends, I made them aware of how I was feeling and only received support and love. My boyfriend (who I should note has always been there) was able to distract me and encouraged me to take back control of my life, he taught me not to be a victim to my own mind. 

I became obsessed with this blog, have you noticed the increase in posts the last couple of months? Yeah, this is my coping mechanism! I stopped obsessing over job hunting and decided to focus on the artistic side of me. I am a typical creative type and can't deal with the stress of a corporate world, I need something that allows me to express my creativity and until that job opportunity becomes available then I will not be jumping through hurdles to gain employment. Instead, I'm looking for alternate ways to make money through my creativity.  I'm thankful every day to have the privilege to make that decision and know that I will still have a roof over my head and food in my belly. I don't take my parents kindness, patience and love for granted. 

I was able to make new friends! I started chatting to some fellow bloggers about books and one month down the line we still talk daily, I can't emphasise enough how helpful this has been for my mental health. Just having a group of girls to chat to that totally get me and are the most supportive people you could ever speak to, has made the world of difference and I'm so thankful. 

I've learnt to appreciate what I have and not what I'm lacking. Loneliness is only a mindset. It's not a real tangible thing, you can't buy a cure from Boots. It's something that is only in your head, in your perception of the world and it's something that only you can escape. 

Once you mentally push the black fog away, the sky becomes clearer, the birds begin to sing and the world comes alive and blooms. Allow yourself to push back those thoughts, allow yourself to fill that emptiness with something you love and I can guarantee you will never feel lonely again. 

I've written this post-loneliness, I don't want sympathy, help or even support. I just want awareness. Awareness that loneliness is crippling and that if someone opens up to you and explains that they feel lonely you need to help them clear that fog, allow them to see their worth and help them take back their life. Loneliness can be a passing problem, but it can also lead down a destructive path. 

If you're reading this and are feeling the same, just know that it can be beaten. You can take control of your life but you have to do it yourself. You have to sit and make the decision to not be a victim to your own brain anymore. Once you can do that, you can do anything. I believe in you. 

As always, if you need someone to chat to, feel free to drop me a DM on twitter or email me at bambisblogs@gmail.com.