9 Reasons British Summers Are Shit.

Unless you've been living under a rock this past week, or you live somewhere other than Britain you lucky thing you,  you will know that it has been really bloody hot this week. 

Like unheard of for British weather. 

This has evoked two main reactions from the good ole' Great British public: 

- Address with some real concern that it really is bloody hot -"Christ it's hot today!" 

- Complain that it is too hot whilst simultaneously praying for Sean Bean to come along and tell us that winter is indeed coming. 

Currently, my main topics of conversation are "why is it so hot" "can it rain please?" and "I am a sticky mess stay away". 

I am not someone that naturally flourishes in the heat... instead I resemble one of those cheap Mr Freeze ice pop's that melt into a sticky over perfumed mess lying on the floor looking rather sorry for itself. 

So for anyone unsure of why summer in Britain is so dire, or if you are experiencing it first hand here - I thought I would make a little list to clarify just why British summers are shit. 

1. Humidity - dear god the humidity. I honestly don't know how Australians deal with it on such a regular basis as I swear I get out of the shower and end up wetter than when I was in it. Like seriously. The humidity at the moment means that throughout the day I go through a process of feeling hot and damp, or sticky and damp. But always just slightly damp. The sort of damp you feel when you've just towelled yourself after getting out of the shower- except you had that shower 5 hours ago and you're walking in the middle of town nice. 

2. Awkward Sweating  - Not the cute little perspiration that makes your skin look a tad dewy. No. The embarrassing kind of sweating that happens in between your legs when you sit down. Then you have the fear that when you stand up either your skin is going to painfully tear itself away from the seat, or you're going to leave a beaut damp mark or the surface, lets not lie we've all been here. 

3. Shirtless Men - Nothing makes me rage more than seeing a topless man strut around the high street like he's god's gift to earth because he's got his skinny pale chest out for the world to see. This mainly makes me rage for two reasons: firstly, it's not something I particularly want to see and it's in no way acceptable in any other situation, secondly, if a woman was to strut around topless in the heat she would most likely be heckled or arrested for indecent exposure, just sayin'. 

4. Hot Evenings - When you're on holiday in the Med you can enjoy long hot day's and beautifully cool evenings. In England you get humid days with sticky insect infested evenings that destroy any semblance of a sleeping pattern you've managed to forge. 

5. Constant need for a fan - I'm currently writing this at 12:55am with not one, but two fans on full blast directed at me as it's the only way I can cope with the heat of the atmosphere and the heat of my laptop all at once. Sleeping with the fan on has become habit and the sensation of waking up with a dry face - eyes, nose, lips, mouth - is still not one that I can profess to enjoy. 

6. Lack of hot drinks - As a Brit we stereotypically love a hot drink, now whilst this is not true for all of us, it certainly is for me and I am suffering. Not being able to wake up and have my morning coffee is seriously affecting my moods and the lack of evening herbal tea is disappointing. Whilst I could have iced versions of these it's far too much effort and faffing about to achieve and quite frankly water is quicker. 

7. Having to ditch the jeans - To be fair this is the thing I hate the most. My trusty jeans are basically my best friends - along side the cats and coffee machine obvs - I obsessively wear them as they are frankly the comfiest things on earth and don't make me look like Jabba the hutt. Instead I've had to actually shave my legs and fake tan (which is bare effort), then put on a dress or skirt in order to be even vaguely comfortable. I'm not best impressed. 

8. Chafing - This may not be something that effects every human, but if your legs even slightly touch when you walk you can pretty much guarantee that you will experience this at some point in the humidity and heat of a British summer. As a girl with a little more chunk on her thighs than desirable, I've already experienced this delight after a few hours of walking around a stagnant town. My legs are now burning and I wish I had remembered the talcum powder trick to save my poor inner thighs from the redness that now overwhelms them. 

9. People telling you not to moan as it will rain soon -  I want it to rain soon! The rain is great in my books, not only does it cool the temperature right down but it waters the plants for me and essentially ticks off an item on my to-do list. The rain is a good guy. Quite frankly I would take rain any day over this humid, insect riddled, shit fest we call summer. 

I leave you with this delightful photo of a heard of cows ruining a families lovely picnic set-up the other week in Dedham. No joke these cows were utter dicks that day and did not want people chilling out on their field. 

Not sure why I'm including this pic but I feel like it's a great metaphor for the disaster of a British summer, like your just sitting and enjoying life and then a mass of annoyance comes your way to make you uncomfortable and fuck up your day. 

Do you hate summer as much as me or are you a crazy cat and actually love this scorching weather?